Monday was a terrible
day. It was a day I should not have gone to work, maybe stayed home
to read a good book or hit my thumb with a hammer a few times. Yes,
the moon was almost full and people were generally not very friendly. I am sure it had nothing to do with me or what I was doing,
but after hearing the word 'no' for who knows how many times, I
decided to call it a day. I turned the car around and headed home. I
don't generally give up that easily, but I was just tired and frustrated.
One of the things I
have discovered over the past several months is that there are many different ways to say 'no'. Some are quite clever and as
you walk back to the car, it takes a minute or two to realize what
just happened. Others are just mean and nasty. The clever ones have
you walking away feeling somewhat satisfied that you did the best you
could. The others? You want to hit them between the eyes with a 2 x
4. Who were your parents? I want to tell them how rude you are.
We learn the meaning of
the word 'no' at a very early age and looking back, I think it was
sometimes said to protect us from danger or maybe from our self.
“No”. Stop playing with that sharp knife.” But as we got older
the word took on different meanings and intentions. “Can I use the
car this Saturday night to go to the game? “NO!”
I have found that a
person's status, or where they think they are on the status scale,
plays a major role in the way they say 'no'. For example, if a person
feels they have an important job. they may show it off with the
use of the word 'no'. ( “No! Because I said so, that's why.”) I
have found this to be a common response from property managers.( They actually forget they do not own the building.)
But those who truly
understand their roles and responsibilities possibly got to that level
because they learned different and more tactful ways to say 'no'.
They learned to say 'no' with a bit of class. “I'm too busy” just
doesn't cut it with me. We are all busy. Jerk!
I am not naïve enough
to believe that everyone is going to say 'yes' each and every time
and there are times when saying 'no' is the correct response. But in
our ever changing society where civility and respect appear to be a
thing of the past, there are ways to deliver the message of 'no' and
do it with respect.
Here are a few 'no's' that I have run across recently that do not reflect respect:
“What
don't you understand about the word 'no'? “
“There
is the door. Leave!” Now!
“Nope.
No way. Not going to happen.
“Are
you still here?”
There is an art to
saying 'no' and not leave the person with the feeling of rejection. It takes practice
and skill and it helps if the person delivering the message has been
subjected to 'no' of the uncivilized. Here are a couple of examples:
“I
am sorry. It is a busy time. Can you come back again later ?”
“ I
am not in a position to make that decision. I will need to check
with
my supervisor.”
“ I
understand how important what you are doing can be, but right
now
is not a good time for us.”
“I
would really love to, but......”
And there are
situations when sometimes 'no' actually means 'yes'. I call it the
'teaser'. It offers you a bargaining tool. “No, I can't see you
today but if you come back in a few days...I might ....” The skillful
listener will know when 'no' might mean 'yes' and if not a definite
'yes,' it might be at least a 'maybe'.
One thing that I have
come to appreciate the past several months....it's a challenge to do
surveys, especially if they are coming from the government.. It
really tests your personal skills to get someone to do something they
may not really want to do. The same thing can apply to someone asking for cash or donations to an important cause. Asking complete strangers for money can be tough.
So the next time
someone knocks on my door... what will I say to them? “I'll have to
get back to you on that.”(I like that one the best!)
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